I am writing to write today. I don’t have a specific topic on my mind but a lot has happened this week that I’d like to reflect on. I have been feeling very down recently for no specific reason but I guess depression can take a toll. You wouldn’t think that staying at home isolating myself from the entire world would be exhausting, but it totally is. I have been managing to get myself to work when I’m scheduled but I am not all that productive while there. I feel like I was at least managing up until Sunday.

Sunday morning my 21 year old cousin committed suicide. I think I was in absolute shock at first because of how much I did not expect this. All I could think of was how he always looked so happy, how much potential he had and all of the great things I knew he would have accomplished in life. I have lost people to suicide in the past and I work in the mental health field so I have been through this but I still couldn’t wrap my head around it.

It wasn’t until I was listening to a podcast about feeling lonely while also being surrounded by people that it started to make more sense. From the outside when people look at me and my life they would not know that I suffer the way I do. I can only imagine my cousin was suffering silently. This almost makes my heart hurt even more because I know how he felt. I know what it’s like to feel helpless, hopeless, like nothing can or will get better and that ending it is the only option. I still feel this way often. To know that someone so close to me could have been having similar thoughts and I didn’t know and couldn’t reach out to help breaks me.

I never realized the extent of mental illness in my family until recently. I know I need to take care of myself and try to have some sort of optimistic look on life but it can be so difficult. I feel like I am drowning and the rain just won’t stop.   

6 thoughts on “Drowning

  1. What you did here, was important. As I assume you are aware, from working in mental health, suicide and mental illness can touch anyone yet we tend to forget the face we present to the world. Others see us how we want them too that is unless they feel energy and can sense your sadness but that’s a different story. What you did here acknowledged that you are not well and the history of your genetics is more powerful than the mask you present; you reached out. You wrote this post and that is the first step to receiving help. I am not a therapist but I am in recovery from alcohol, almost 4 years sober, and I am bipolar. I know what you are feeling, similar to you know how your cousin felt. My cousin committed suicide at the age of 21, 13 years ago. I wanted to let you know, I am proud of you. I do not know your contribution to the mental health community but I do know it is easier to help others instead of admitting our own suffering. I extend my hand and offer myself to listen or be of service however you will allow me. Please email me ANYTIME if you would like to connect. Like I said, no degree or license but I can relate on a level of experience.


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