As I mentioned in my weekly wrap up on Sunday, I’m starting therapy again this week. Since I went to rehab in 2016 I have been to many different therapists and participated in multiple intensive outpatient programs (mainly, DBT). I have not been in counseling though for almost a year. I have tried to see a couple different people but I didn’t stick with it because I always felt such negative energy when I was working with these therapists. It’s important for me to be able to have some sort of connection with someone in order to open up and be vulnerable.
I am anxious to start therapy again for a few reasons. Starting completely new with someone means I need to explain my life. I know it’s necessary in order for the therapist to understand me and help but I always leave initial sessions feeling like crap. This often leads to me not wanting to go back, even though I know it will be beneficial. I need to remember that feeling down in therapy is part of the process.
I am also a bit anxious because the therapist I am going to be working with is a man. I have a lot of trauma history and have a very hard time being around men alone (besides my partner and father) let alone opening up to them about my life. I have been able to email back and forth and talk to my new therapist on the phone so I feel a little better than if I were to just walk in without any prior communication.
Sometimes I feel like therapy is pointless. I have tried and failed so many times and never seem to feel any better. I work in the mental health field so I know that therapy works in conjunction with medication and that it is definitely necessary for me in order to process trauma but I am still skeptical.